


Accidental Anakin Acquisition aka Anakin’s Cool Dad Darth Maul AU aka What if Anakin but More Feral

by BentonLounge, cyberpunkknittingmachine



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Anakin Acquisition, Accidental Child Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Crack Treated Seriously, Gamer Darth Maul, Gen, Insomuch as crack treated seriously can be a fix-it fic, Parent Darth Maul, Politician Obi-Wan Kenobi, The Gamer Side of the Force, The Politician Side of the Force, Yoda Bashing (Star Wars), sort of a fix-it fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28953612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BentonLounge/pseuds/BentonLounge, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberpunkknittingmachine/pseuds/cyberpunkknittingmachine
Summary: The Force keeps trying to bring balance to Anakin Skywalker's life through a series of alternate universes where he is raised by different people. In this universe, Darth Maul ends up raising Anakin after some shenanigans at the Theed Power Generator TM.The Force finds this alternate universe very funny and thinks you might appreciate hearing about everything that went down.Also, we make Obi-Wan eventually become a politician. Because it would be very funny. And it is Very Funny.
Relationships: Darth Maul & Anakin Skywalker, Dooku & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Accidental Anakin Acquisition aka Anakin’s Cool Dad Darth Maul AU aka What if Anakin but More Feral

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BentonLounge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BentonLounge/gifts).



The time: the invasion of naboo

The place: the Theed Power Generator ™ in that room with the Pit ™ 

The people: qui-gon jinn and darth maul (and obi wan, through a plasma shield) (and anakin, in a spaceship)

The problem: The plasma shield is taking longer than it should to fall, and qui-gon jinn is getting more and more delirious as he dies.

\----

Anakin Skywalker is like a particularly infectious cold that manages to infect the whole college campus in less than a week, or maybe like a piece of thread that keeps clinging to different pieces of fabric in the wash. He’s like sand, that gets under your skin and in your clothes and is impossible to fully shake off. Sand, that’s where this all starts. On a planet of sand in the outer rim, Tatooine as it’s been called for longer than the hutts have ruled over the deserts, a boy named Anakin Skywalker was born to a caring mom and also to the annoyingly cryptic non-entity, the Force, as his gender neutral other parent. At some point in the various changing futures and timelines, people - jedi and sith and pirates and bounty hunters and occasionally a few unlucky politicians - accidentally find themselves in charge of Anakin Skywalker. It was prophesied, sometimes, depending on the universe, that Anakin would bring balance to the Force. The savvy researcher will instead note that it is the Force that was trying to bring balance to Anakin. Unfortunately it also seemed that the rule of chaos would always reign supreme where Anakin Skywalker was involved.

  
This story tells of the future where Sith Apprentice Darth Maul, during the battle of Naboo, finds himself unexpectedly taking Anakin Skywalker as a student. 

The Force finds this timeline most amusing, if not precisely what it had in mind.

\----

Darth Maul was having a really un-pog afternoon. He had to fly alllllll the way to Naboo, just to stick his stabby light sword in a man with really long hair while his sad, pathetic padawan watched forlornly from the other side of a conveniently placed plasma shield. So he thinks he can be rather forgiven if he may, perhaps, have made some life choices he wouldn’t have otherwise.

That particular afternoon, for some unknown, potentially force-related reason, the plasma barrier keeping the sad, pathetic padawan from potentially slicing him in half stayed up for a minute longer than it might have in another universe.

Because of this, Darth Maul was stuck, with nothing to do, while the long-haired jedi died dramatically on the floor. It was kind of cringe, actually. He’d just stabbed him, a little bit, in the chest. Normally people could survive all sorts of fatal damage and still be totally epic, Darth Maul thought, he just simply wasn’t cash money enough to be brought back as a surprise in a future episode. Darth Maul turned his lightsaber off and leaned against the wall while he waited.

“Pleassseeeee,” said the dying man with one of his final gasps of breath, “I would like to gamble.”

“You have already gambled with your life old man,” said Darth Maul menacingly like Satan, “And you  _ lost. _ ”

After that frankly disheartening sentence, the jedi seemed to wilt and become more and more delirious as he died. He started flailing his arm around, as if trying to grab something, and accidentally grabbed Darth Maul’s arm.

“What the fuck my dude,” said Darth Maul in his head. Out loud he also said, “What the fuck my dude”.

The dying man did not seem to notice either the subconscious or conscious statement of disbelief coming from the sith. Instead, he seemed more focused than he had the whole fight, as if he had something deathly (ha!) important to say.

“Promise, promise me you will train the boy,” he said, barely able to get out the words. His eyes were blurry and mostly closed, and Darth Maul had no clue what was happening.

“He is the chosen one…” continued this bizarre man Darth Maul had stabbed, “he will bring balance.”

This whole situation was sounding pretty weirdchamp to him, to be honest. He’d really expected to have murdered the padawan by now, and instead he was being commanded to train some… child?

“Train him.” The jedi let go of his arm and collapsed, dead.

“Pog,” said Darth Maul, unable to say anything else. He glanced up at where the padawan stood behind the plasma barrier, and suddenly had a flash of rationality. Perhaps he wouldn’t stick around to get potentially chopped in two by this very angry youth. He would instead  _ steal _ this “chosen one” and train him without his master’s knowledge. Then, HE could be the pogchamp. He would kill not only the padawan, but the sith master as well!

It was a perfectly brilliant plan, or at least that’s what he thought to himself as he escaped down the giant hole in the center of the room.

A brilliant plan it was, sure, if you don’t take into account that the child in question was Anakin Skywalker.

\----

Hard cut to Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

The scene opens on a padawan, lying despondently on the cold, metal floor. The lights around him are bright and red and symbolically significant.

“To be, or not to be, that is the question.”

Obi-Wan’s jedi teachers had always instilled in him a love for literature. In the moments after his master died and the horrid sith monster had taken his leave, Obi-Wan, lost and confused, turned to the poetic words of the great S’aches Peir, a playwright from Coruscant who’s writing compelled Obi-Wan down to his core. Jedi were supposed to be great meditators, but Obi-Wan would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that sometimes instead of meditation he would just recite S’aches Peir’s words in his head.

“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Obi-Wan could see his master’s dead body lying on the floor. If he had been older and wiser, perhaps he would have had the foresight to throw Qui-Gon’s body down the hole in the middle of the room, a tactic known to jedi masters to almost guarantee someone returning to life later on. But he wasn’t a jedi master, nor was he even a knight. Qui-Gon had, even with his desire to train Anakin, still not truly believed him worthy of taking the trials.

“To die, to sleep.  _ No more _ . And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consumption devoutly to be wished.”

Anakin was probably dead somewhere. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with Master Yoda looking at him disappointedly when he had to inform him that the Sith still lived. That Obi-Wan still lived, and his master did not. He was not sure the jedi would forgive his failures this time. Maybe he’d be forced to leave the order for good. He could take a vacation somewhere. Wallow in his misery in a seedy bar on a forgotten planet. Let the force lead him to a cave where he could spend the rest of his worthless life in solitude.

“To die, to sleep,” Obi-Wan sighed and, with all the passion of the greatest performers of Haam Lot cried, “To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause.”

As much as he would have liked to continue to sprawl dramatically on the floor, wallowing in his own misery and appreciating the striking image it would make from above - the white robes blending in with the floor, making him seem like he was lost amongst the clouds - his leg was starting to hurt from the awkward angle it was lying at. His back was getting sore too, and the chill had started to seep in through his clothes. He would have to move. Get up. And perhaps, later on, he would still die, perhaps in a fascinating sword-poison duel to the death that would result in the death of nearly everyone he knew, but it wouldn’t be now. He had to keep going. Get Master Qui-Gon’s body back to the order. Maybe get kicked out from the order. Contemplate his life choices. Figure out if that small boy Qui-Gon had kidnapped had died or not.

He was not really looking forward to this.

**Author's Note:**

> (not to brag, but we are comedic geniuses. if this fic inspires more gamer au versions of Darth Maul, it would bring us the utmost joy possible in the known universe)


End file.
